If you are one of those people who enjoys roller coaster rides and skydiving, then this post is not for you. Looking back over the last few years I see mountaintops and valleys. I usually rode roller coasters when I was a kid only after being pressured into it by my friends. They made me sick, and weren't a lot of fun - Likewise with living in the middle of a roller coaster ride. I’m not going to get into all the ugly specifics, but those who know me know exactly what I am talking about.
In life, we have relationships with people, and sometimes, trust in those relationships gets strained. Sometimes, it is broken, other times, it feels like trust is obliterated. I have counseled people over the years that people are flawed, and that we have to forgive and move on, and eventually, we’ll trust again.
But what if you realize that the person that you don’t trust is God? I came face to face with this reality the other night. The main problem in my spiritual life right now is that I simply don’t trust God. I was in denial of this for a while… I realized – I love God, I just don’t trust Him. There is a difference. I look back at a point where I did put all my trust in God. That ended very badly. I was reminded of another story in the Bible where ministry ended badly –
Then Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron, each took his censer and put fire in it, put incense on it, and offered profane fire before the Lord, which He had not commanded them. 2 So fire went out from the Lord and devoured them, and they died before the Lord. 3 And Moses said to Aaron, "This is what the Lord spoke, saying: 'By those who come near Me I must be regarded as holy; And before all the people I must be glorified.' " So Aaron held his peace. (Lev. 10:1-4)
People have told me – “You just need to get over it.” I wish I could. It would be much easier for me if I could. I wish I could throw a light switch, or click my heels together, and have it all be good. I see that Aaron just “got over it”. I guess I’m not anywhere near that kind of guy. In the past few years, I’ve given a lot of forgiveness and received some from all the bad times. The further I go down this trail the more questions I have – Did I miss His calling before? Did I mess up? Did I pull a Nadab or an Abihu, and just lucky that I wasn’t struck down dead? Am I now just a permanently disabled member of the body of Christ? If so, somebody please sign me up for my pension.
The writer of Hebrews (and I don’t want to get into who I think that is) says - It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. I am terrified. I see two sides to God in the Bible - Loving, accepting, welcoming, and good. The other is angry, wrathful, and just. In my life, I have seen both sides. As I survey the situation though, I am kind of stuck. While a good number of hurts have healed or at least scabbed over, I am not going anywhere until I get this back on course. So, for at least the time being – I gotta wait. What am I waiting for? For everything to be cool, and me trust God again. How do you get there, Jeff? I have no clue, and I haven’t got a whole lot of advice on how to do it. Just a lot of people telling me I need to do it. So, please refrain from jumping on the “dude, that sucks, bandwagon…” It has approached it’s load limit for me.
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ReplyDeleteWow, Jeff. I'm really sorry to hear that you're conflicted to the point of pain this way. I had initially written a response that was supportive but didn't really give any advice but after re-reading your post, I thought I'd try again including some tactics that have helped - are still helping - me, although I cannot honestly say I have no moments (sometimes weeks) of feeble faith.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I have to look at myself. After all, what do I really have control over? I pray for an increase in my faith. Sounds ironic, but it's the root of the issue. God's grace made it possible for me to know Him; since He is perfect, it's must be something I lack (wisdom, knowledge, courage, etc.) that stops me from growing in that relationship.
Prayer itself is critical to the mission. How can you be reconciled to someone you refuse to communicate with?
As much as possible, I tend to immerse myself in books, speeches, songs, or movies that help me remember how I first understood myself called to be a active follower of the Christ. And I ask myself repeatedly: what do I really believe and why.
I think about my family and friends - everyone I care about - and ask myself "Why am I in relationships with these people?"
You're only human to have these feelings, amigo. I have fought many of these same battles and I wish I had something better to tell you, something inspiring or supremely fortifying. But all I have is this:
- There is a God. (Too many facts are out there to really deny.)
- And I am not - nor are you - God.
But we are His. And He is lovingly calling us every moment to be faithful to, reliant upon, and servants of Him.
Fight the good fight of faith. My prayers are always with you and your family, Jeff.
Jack - you are truly one of the stand up guys in my life. Thanks, man!
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